


broken glass

by piepanda



Series: Angsty Fics I Work On When I Have Writer's Block [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Bigender Persona 5 Protagonist, Disordered Eating, Established Relationship, F/F, M/M, Multi, My Boy Is Just Having A Time, Persona 5 Protagonist Has ADHD, Post-November 20 Interrogation (Persona 5), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Selectively Mute Persona 5 Protagonist, Self-Harm, Strained Friendships, Suicide Attempt, based off of personal experiences with eds, but like i never got diagnosed, but not really, but yea, depression fic, give my boy a hug, i think, just like really close, more like disordered eating than an eating disorder, not me, ok so like kind of an eating disorder, or a full on disorder, projecting on fictional characters, so thats why idk if its, very sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29559255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piepanda/pseuds/piepanda
Summary: Glass. A transparent solid mostly made of sand. Basic forms of glass are fragile and can break with a five foot drop to another hard surface. Glass is fragile. Glass breaks.Joker. Strong and stunning, clearly ready to face anything, little to no fear. Strong as could be, and a pillar to everyone, absolutely unbreakable.Ren Amamiya. A highschool student on probation. The person behind Joker, main traits being anxiety and calm. Unlike his counterpart, can absolutely break, the question is how long will it take?
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist, Niijima Makoto/Okumura Haru, Persona 5 Protagonist & Phantom Thieves of Hearts, Sakamoto Ryuji/Suzui Shiho/Takamaki Ann
Series: Angsty Fics I Work On When I Have Writer's Block [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2181744
Kudos: 13





	broken glass

**Author's Note:**

> why hello there!! I wrote this wip in between my other two fics, and decided to polish it up and make it a multi chapter fic. I had a bit of writers block on the latest chapters for h;h and ptf so I decided to just write something else while I fix up the drafts and notes. A lot of the things Ren is going through in this fic is based off of my own experiences to a degree, and mixed with some hcs.
> 
> PLEASE READ THE TAGS!! THEY WILL APPLY OVER THE COURSE OF THE FIC!!

Glass. A transparent solid mostly made of sand. Basic forms of sand are fragile and can break with a five foot drop to another hard surface. Glass is fragile. Glass breaks.

Joker. Strong and stunning, clearly ready to face anything, little to no fear. Strong as could be, and a pillar to everyone, absolutely unbreakable.

Ren Amamiya. A highschool student on probation. The person behind Joker, main traits being anxiety and calm. Unlike his counterpart, can absolutely break, the question is how long will it take?

Apparently not very long, as shown by the sad sight Goro was witnessing. He honestly couldn’t understand why going back to the original reality was such a difficult decision for Ren. He was dead, he made that decision for himself and he was a killer. Filthy, stained, blackened. He deserved his end, and used it as a form of atonement. That was the general consensus, so why was Ren here. February 2nd, bawling his eyes out into his jacket.

“Calm down, you look like shit.” Goro said with a faux disinterest.

“Fuck you! I thought I had you back, and you were dead the whole time, I missed you, you fuck!” Ren screams, while holding onto Goro for dear life. “I loved you dammit…” Ren says somberly, finally releasing Goro’s jacket, and Goro stands there shocked, quickly switching to rage.

“Ren what the fuck?! Don’t patronize me! I tried to kill you, I tried to kill your whole team, this is just Maruki’s bullshit again isn’t!” Goro shouts in disbelief. _What else could explain that? There’s no way his feelings were requited!_

“I’ve liked you since I saw that cute detective giving us valid criticism. Since that cute detective let me in, even if for just a bit. Even after he tried to kill me, I couldn’t help but love him, and only felt resentment towards my own team. And then he died, like a scattering of petals. Beautiful white petals scattered everywhere, slowly stained red. And then I just broke. My team couldn’t tell, they never could, after I killed god I was planning on just ending this endless fucking cycle of everything being pushed onto me, but Sae needed my testimony, and then you appeared again.” Ren takes off his glasses and you can see his bloodshot eyes. “Why did you leave us, no why did you leave us? I had 3 spare somas, we could’ve taken the shadows on! You didn’t have to die!” He’s shouting now. Grasping Goro’s jacket starting to break down again. Goro snaps out of his stupor at Ren’s current state and hugs him. Not very used to hugging people since his mom passed away, it’s fairly awkward and Ren snickers a bit.

“What’s so funny?” Goro asks.

“Nothing, you’re just clearly used to not giving hugs or getting hugs, which sucks because you deserve them all. I’ll be blunt with you. I’m not taking Maruki’s deal, but if you do happen to live, will you go out with me? It’s fine if you say no, it’s just-” Ren begins shyly rambling into Goro’s sweater and Goro cuts him off.

“A few dates won’t hurt. To say I hold affections towards you, is a massive understatement. From your dorky glasses which hide those stupidly intense eyes, to those lips. That never shut up about how you think the cops suck on live TV, to how kissable they look.” Goro tilts Ren’s chin and kisses him. Ren flushes a bright red and leans into Goro’s embrace. They spend the night in each other’s arms, pretending everything is normal for a night.

Like everything else, that night ends, as dawn shines through Leblanc’s window on the pair. 

“I guess today’s the day.” Ren sighs, admiring Goro’s sleeping face, the way he subconsciously snuggles his pillow in an effort to avoid the sunlight.

That it is. He has to say goodbye to him. He just got him back, became his, and they’re already apart again. Goro seems to notice Ren’s inner monologue, as the latter hasn’t noticed him waking up.

“I’m here right now. I don’t blame you for anything Ren, let’s go take down that idiotic madman today today, ok?” Goro smiles softly and pulls Ren in for a side hug. They steel themselves and take down a gentle madman that day. Ren wakes up in a prison. Goro wakes up to the sound of life support.

A week passes and Ren is out of jail. It turns out putting a teeneager in solitary confinement is not the smartest move when said teenager has PTSD, depression, and anxiety at the very least. Ren already bottled his emotions in his little safe jar of emotions, and the jar was going to overflow at any second. He was cleaning Leblanc at night, Sojiro having already gone home to Futaba, Morgana following with the promise of extra food there for a night. All of a sudden the bell signaling someone coming in rings.

“Sorry, we’re clo-” Ren begins and looks up and stops out of shock.

“Honey, I’m home.” Goro busts in with a nonchalance. He sits in his normal spot, Ren goes to make him a cup of coffee in his stupor and begins crying.

“Despite what people think, I’m not a demon, I don’t want to drink your tears.” Goro snarks, earning a chuckle from Ren, “Now, I believe I was promised a date or 4?” He says and Ren’s eyes shine through their haze of sadness.

“Goro, I missed you…” Ren says with a false calm in his voice, his eyes carrying a sadness no one could truly understand unless they stared straight into them. They’re full of pain and agony, a tiredness only old war veterans hold in their gaze.

“I missed you too. I’m going to go to my apartment and I’ll see you tomorrow at the usual?” Goro asks with a bit of nervousness, despite knowing his feelings were requited, his anxiety wasn’t fully quelled.

“Absolutely.” Ren gives him a happy look and they split up for the night. Ren goes to bed without Morgana’s insistence, his first peaceful sleep since February 2nd. Goro falls asleep peacefully knowing he can finally have what he wants, his happy ending. They go on dates together, Ren tells the thieves about their relationship by February 28th, it goes over as well as it could. Ryuji, Ann, Mona, and Yusuke are accepting at the very least, Sumire was ecstatic, congratulating them, citing the sexual tension between them was insane, making Ren blush like crazy and Goro chortle like crazy. Futaba was open to the idea, wanting Ren to be happy, but in no way forgiving Akechi. Makoto and Haru would just put up with it, Haru nowhere near forgiving towards Akechi, not wanting to see one of her best friends date her father’s killer, Makoto disapproved, citing the fact Akechi tried to kill Ren, and the rest of thieves. After that everyone including Goro left. Ren was left in the attic with his own thoughts, spiralling, reeling from the collective trauma of the year. It felt like he was drowning in an overflowing ocean, everytime he almost made it to the top, a few more feet of water was added on top.

March 1st came and went, a fun date with Goro, crepes for lunch, western food for dinner, he got home and felt sick. Like he just didn’t want to eat. He was putting a few pounds on anyway. 15 minutes later and it was like he ate nothing at all. It’s not the first time this has happened anyway. He’ll be fine.

March 2nd came. Goro was dealing with legal issues regarding Shido’s inheritance, so Ren hung out with Ann a bit.

“You want some? The pudding is to die for Ren!” Ann says smiling, rambling about how she needed to take Shiho to try some.

“I’m good Ann. Not very hungry today.” Ren says with a faux hand gesture to mock casualness.

“Aw, that sucks! Let me know when you feel better, ok?” Ann says with a slight concern.

“Sure thing Ann.” Ren lies that day.

March 3rd comes in like a fire. He decides to hang out with Sumire for a while. She confided she was aromantic asexual in Ren, who accepted her happily, but didn’t know what to tell Futaba, who was demiromantic, and silently pining over the redhead. He didn’t need to apparently, as always Futaba had her bugs on and overheard. Futaba took Mona that night to say the least.

March 4th rolls in like a tidal wave. Everyone, even his non-phantom thief confidants were busy. Goro, still dealing with legal issues, visited Leblanc once in the morning for a kiss and a cup of coffee. Ren gave him the silent encouragement he needed, he gave Ren a bit of willpower to keep going, something he’s been lacking in as of late. After Goro leaves, Ren decides to take a day off. He sleeps the day away, wallowing in his thoughts. He didn’t eat anything on the 4th either.

March 5th stumbles in like a drunk at a bar. Ren wakes up to Ryuji spamming his phone. He loved his best friend with all his heart, but at times like this, he wishes the blond knew when to tone it down. He decides to open the message and sees some chaos, pretty in line for the blond.

**Ryuji (Bonk Bro Numero Uno)**

**Ryuji: bro!!**

**Ryuji: renren!!**

**Ryuji: i kinda got a date**

**Ryuji: or two :)))**

**Ryuji: i asked ann and shiho if we could poly!!**

**Ryuji: they liked me back this whole time, they told me about all the hints!!**

**Ryuji: they said that we got close while shiho was in rehab**

**Ryuji: cant believe we all fell for each other shjskhgdf**

**Ryuji: renrennn i need some1 to celebrate with**

**Ryuji: rennnnnnn**

**Ren: congrats man!!**

**Ren: sorry, was sleeping,,,**

**Ryuji: bro its like,,, 2 30**

**Ryuji: you k?**

**Ren: I’m fine :)**

**Ren: just didnt sleep much last night**

**Ren: watched a movie**

**Ryuji: ahhh**

**Ryuji: honestly a mood**

**Ryuji: wanna troll the pt chat or smth**

**Ryuji: go smw w/good food and send a bunch of pics**

**Ren: do you really want to anger ann marie takamaki**

**Ren: do you wanna risk that?**

**Ryuji: absolutely**

**Ren: alright then to the miel crepes we go.**

And to Miel Crepes they went. All the way to Kichijoji, to tease Ann, and the rest of the ex-thieves. Ryuji got a big chocolate banana crepe. Ren got a black coffee. Ryuji notices.

“Hey man, we came to get something they’d be jealous over, not something below Boss’s coffee! I don’t know how you drink that stuff? Anyway, why don’t you get something, my treat!” Ryuji grins at Ren and Ren blinks and declines.

“Sorry Ryuji, I’m just not really feeling the sweets today, or really anything right now.” Ren gives a soft smile and Ryuji moves on to various other topics. He mentally notes that Ren looks a bit skinnier than normal. They sent a bunch of crepe pics to the Phantom Thief chat later and everyone was jealous.

March 6th drags itself out of bed at 3 am. It’s March 6th _and he can’t anymore._ It all feels like too much. Like the world is spinning. Like he’s floating, he can’t even eat anything, it’d be like cramming a suitcase when it can’t fit anything else, weird considering he hasn’t eaten in around a week, but he’s not complaining. Only people who are alive eat food. Ren feels more like a corpse. It’s not like he doesn’t know he isn’t dead. He just feels detached, like he’s there, but he isn’t. He begins to get out of bed when he trips. All he feels is pain, but at the same time _he feels alive, living, he feels pre-_

He gets up and he feels like he’s back in his body again. He decides to continue the day like something isn’t wrong, like he’s fine. He spends the day modelling for Yusuke, a painting about the beauty of life. Ironic for someone who feels so dead.

March 7th feels like a marathon. Futaba runs in to wake him up, saying she wants curry but Sojiro was busy with some errands he decided to knock out early.

“You sleep like the dead Ren! Please make me curry, I'm starving….. I hunger. Please!” Futaba whines and he reluctantly gives in, trying to ignore the accuracy in the phrase ‘sleep like the dead’

“Sure thing, just let me change first ‘Taba.” Ren says and Futaba goes downstairs, they make curry together when Ren gets a text from Ann and Goro. 

**Ann**

**Ann: stole ur bf to get ice cream!!**

**Ann: wanna come** **🥺**

**Ren: sorry, tell goro i love him, but not feeling crepes rn tbh**

**Ren: u better send me pics of him tho🥺**

**Ann: ofc sweetie🥺**

**Ren: ann🥺**

**Ann: ok ill stop with the 🥺 now fjgslg**

**Ren: see ya!!**

**Ann: bye ren!! Also akechi do be pining over you ngl**

After that quick conversation with Ann, Ren finished making Futaba curry. It’s not that he didn’t want to hang out with them, he just didn’t feel like talking to everyone today. Futaba leaves after the curry and continues to take Mona with her. He missed Mona, he had been staying with the redhead for a while, even when he had just came back he only stayed with Ren for a single night, before practically moving in with Futaba. After they leave, Ren goes to help Haru out with her planters, like they’d planned about awhile ago, but she seemingly had Makoto replace him. It makes sense, who’d need someone like him when they could talk to Makoto. He ended up on the streets of Shinjuku with Chihaya, helping her with a fortune test. It didn’t go well, but Ren wasn’t worried, but Chihaya was panicking at the sight of a reversed Chariot card, and a reversed Death card.

“Are you ok Ren? The reversed Chariot is self-doubt, and ignorance, while reversed death can be boiled down to something along the lines of suicidal thoughts. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to, ok?” Chihaya gives Ren a small smile, and Ren decides to fake it til he makes it.

“I’m fine, the cards probably think I’m depressed because I’m coming down from this year a bit still, thank you Chihaya.” Ren smiles at her and leaves for the night. He decides to go to Crossroads to help Lala out at the bar. Lala was nice, like the mom he never had. He goes to his shift, and makes small talk with Lala.

March 8th feels like he just got out of a steaming hot bath and his leg fell asleep, except in this case his leg is his whole body. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. He feels like shit, he hasn’t eaten more than a single apple like 5 or 6 days ago, he can’t tell at this point. He doesn’t want to be on the planet anymore, and it feels like his soul agrees, with the way it feels. It feels like he’s floating away again, like a ghost, always present, never seen. He decides to dress nice today, A green grey trench coat, black jeans, and a grey cropped hoodie shirt, with some combat boots as well, he planned a date with Goro last night, and they haven’t really seen each other in a few days. They meet up at the Shibuya Square and talk a bit while they walk to the diner.

“How’ve you been Goro?” Ren beams, not very many things cheer him up as of late, but seeing Goro makes him happy. Goro is pretty. Like a ray of sunshine in his dull world, logically Ryuji should remind him of sunshine due to the bright yellow hair, but he more or less reminds Ren of a rainbow. Bundles of joy. Goro is like a calm sunset, Ren’d call him the moon but he makes his own light. Now he chooses to share it with Ren. Now it’s their light, in Ren’s eyes, it’s Our Light.

“I’ve been pretty okay. I got some assets from Shido and donated them to some kids, and I hung out with Ann. She pestered me until I called her by her first name, but I will admit other than yourself and Yoshizawa, she is the best company in the Phantom Thieves. How have you been dear? I haven’t seen you in a while but it seems I missed something.” Goro eyes Ren with a side glance the latter doesn’t notice.

“I’m fine! Just a bit tired as of late. I’ve been visiting a lot of friends since it’s my last month in Tokyo. Like I went for crepes with Ryuji of all people, to celebrate him getting with Ann and Shiho finally. Those pining idiots.” Ren lets out a small chuckle but Goro’s concern grows.

“Ren...don’t think no one noticed how you didn’t buy anything to eat with anyone as of late. I even asked Sakura and she said she saw you at most eat an apple. She said you were most likely fine and I was overthinking it, said that you eat like this often-” Goro is about to continue and notices Ren slowing down. “Ren?! Are you ok?!”

Ren started to feel dizzy and latched onto Goro’s sleeve, Goro took note of this and picked Ren up and took him to the diner, without a word ordered Ren a Fruit Tea for his sugar, and steak for some sodium.

“Stay with me Ren. I’m right here, some foods coming and then I’m walking you to the clinic.” Goro says, sitting next to Ren to keep a close eye on him, the latter leaning on Goro in a daze, on the verge of passing out. The waitress rushes over with the tea, realizing the situation, she apologizes for the time it’ll take the steak, but she did have the kitchen prioritize it. Goro helps Ren sit up and drink the whole thing, while it helps his sugar levels, it lowers his blood pressure even further so they sit in silence.

“Goro...I’m so tired. I can’t take it anymore…” Ren mutters into Goro’s jacket and it hits him what’s going on with Ren. It’s his mom all over again. His mom at least ate a bit of food so she could stay up for work, but Ren hasn’t eaten in how long? To the point he passed out. Who let it get this bad? He looked like a stick, his skin which was fairly light already, a sickly pale, his hair a mess, even though he had clearly tried to tame it. The lady brings a steak and Ren eats it. He feels less like shit, but still non present in his own body. A few minutes pass with Ren in a noticeable daze. Goro puts an arm around him in an attempt to comfort him but he’s still not saying anything.

“How are you feeling Ren?” Goro asks with more concern in his voice than usual, normally he would just snark at Ren? Why’s he so worried about him? Ren did this to himself, so why?

“I’m fine, don’t worry ‘bout me.” Ren mutters out, and manages to piss Goro off in one sentence.

“Don’t worry about you? _Ren Amamiya!_ You just passed out and told me you can’t take it anymore, and expect me to brush it off? I’m not like the rest of your idiotic friends, even Yoshizawa asked me if something was wrong with you, but when we mention it to the other thieves they said you’re fine! And you’re clearly not!” Goro finishes with a huff. 

“I’m just so tired of it all. I’ve been playing ok for so long, they just don’t ask anymore. I mean why would anyone want to take time for me, help me, I don’t deserve anything, I should just hang myself and slowly choke, or slit my wrists and slow-” Ren begins rambling in a hazy tone. He sounds like he’s a robot, he knows it’s a fact. When it really isn’t. Goro looks disgusted at what he just heard, not by Ren himself, but more or less the Thieves' ignorance. He wants to tell Ren it’s ok, to tell him he’s worth everything in the world, but that clearly won’t help.

“Let’s go to my place. You can let it all out when we get there, ok?” Ren gives a small noise of affirmation and Goro leads him to his apartment in Kichijoji. He sits Ren on the couch and goes to go change after taking Ren’s jacket. He takes note of Ren’s fisted hands, cutting into his soft palm flesh. Goro finishes changing and ties his hair up and moves to sit next to Ren. Ren nuzzles into his neck and holds on to him for dear life.

“I can’t anymore. I’m just the therapy friend to most of them, there for their gain and nothing else. What do they even know about me? All they explicitly know is that I’m gay and according to them have bad taste in men. I can’t even take a day off without being summoned to make curry or something else. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up…” Ren doesn’t sob or cry. He just sighs and hugs Goro tighter. Goro sits there in shock, a horrible sense of deja vu, it feels like he’s watching his mom walk towards her death all over again. He shuts his eyes and sees his mother dead with her slit wrists in the bathroom, but sees Ren in her face. He begins to break down a bit.

“Please… Please don’t leave me, please Ren.” Goro grabs onto Ren like he’ll disappear if he lets go too long. “Ren please. I already lost my mom, please I’ll do anything to make you happy, _fuck please Ren!_ ” Goro continues to desperately beg and Ren takes his hand and puts it over his heart and then he begins crying. They cry themselves to sleep that day.

**Author's Note:**

> so i kinda slipped a rarepair in hjdkfhslkgh  
> i kinda just wanted to write something super depressing so I took some spare time and made this! Thank you for reading and have a good one!


End file.
